You can’t hold it in any longer and you’re going to have to visit… the dreaded festival toilets.
That familiar feeling of a swollen bladder after one too many ciders is 100% more unwelcome than usual when you’re at a festival. As soon as the need kicks in the horror stories of festival portaloos all come rushing back into your mind.
After admitting defeat to your renal system you approach those banging portaloo doors with much trepidation, fearful of what may lay behind. Nervously you select one and pull on the repugnant handle, bracing yourself for the stench to fill your nostrils. If you manage to pull the door ajar without the fumes spinning your mind, you commit to opening it fully. If the gagging reflex doesn’t kick in, this is the festival toilet for you.
You take a deep breath and step up.
A quick inspection of any danger areas that may pose a threat, a quick shuffle and you’re perched and ready – the strongest among us hover, the weak give in and enjoy the rest – either way the aim is to get in and out of there as quickly as possible. You fumble in your bag for toilet roll, still trying not to breathe for fear of a lungful of a few thousand festival goers’ finest gases.
lf you’re lucky you’ll get a squirt of sanitiser at the end. Phew, you’re in the clear for another few hours.
What if I told you there was a way to avoid all this festival toilet rigmarole?
In preparation for the Glastonbury toilets, and with the help of Amazon reviewers, I’ve put together this little guide to show you how you can avoid the toilets at festivals all together…
1. The She Wee
Perhaps the most famous of all the festival toilet avoidance schemes, the She Wee gives ladies all the convenience of having a funnel, which as you guys makes the whole toilet process a lot simpler. Girls, you simply cup the She Wee on your nether regions… and release.
I tried this when I went to Glastonbury and made a right mess. If you’re going to try it I’d recommend not drinking five ciders, waiting until the last minute and then becoming uncontrollable with laughter as your mate tries to help.
“A life saver. Easy to use and convenient. The wide funnel covers the area well without you having to worry there is going to be a spill. There is no need to assemble anything and it is easy to wash and reuse.” – Conneal Beswick
2. Bog in a Bag
When two stools collide hey? This Bog In A Bag camping stool enables the owner to literally use anywhere they damn well please as a dumping ground. The description says the ‘stool’ is ‘supportive’ and ‘comfortable’. Simply push a bag through the middle to catch the deposit, sit down, let it all out, tie up your bag, put both stools away and you’re ready to carry on with your festival shenanigans. Apparently Dawn’s crack loves it on Amazon…
“It is light, it packs away very small, it is sturdy in use and it is a usable loo. We use it for middle of the night/crack of dawn loo visits and it certainly beats a trip across the campsite in the dark.” – McGoogly
3. Unisex Portable Urinal
What a nice present for the festival loving couple in your life – a unisex portable urinal. Feel free to let it all out in this festival toilet alternative and you can simply put the lid back on and store that meaty piss for later disposal at a more convenient time.
“I took this to reading festival and it Was great. Saved me going to the long drop all weekend !!…big enough to hold a big wee. Easy to use. I didn’t have any trouble with lid leaking. Would recommend.” – Jeanie
4. Kampa Khazi Portable Toilet
The Kampa Khazi Portable Toilet has a 5-litre capacity – more than enough for one person, surely. Purchase this little beaut and you can laugh away at the minions queuing for the festival toilets while you enjoy your leisurely wee. You might want to get a toilet tent around it for even more privacy though, or you may not…
“This is the best portable loo I have ever used, we are a family of 6 and only have 1 toilet in the house so this has become very useful!!!” – Kerry Harper
5. Me Too Disposable Devices
These Me Too Disposables are kind of like the She Wee but a bit more wasteful because you simply wee in it and then throw the whole thing away.
Sadly no Amazon reviews as yet, but ‘Me Too’ says…
“Hygienic, practical, anatomic shape. Funnel and spout fit separately for easy carrying.” – Me Too
6. TravelJohn Urinal Bags
These little beauts contain Liqsorb, ‘a biodegradable polymer substance that immobilises bacterial growth quickly’. So you just wee into the biodegradable fabric pouch and your urine crystalises as it touches the substance. The TravelJohn urinal bags are reusable. No, I don’t understand either.
Brought a packet of these to try at Latitude in a few weeks – I’ll let you know how I get on. I think Mo was expecting a little too much from them…
“I had a trial run in my bedroom. My poo just sat on top of the ‘crystals’.” – Mo
7. Luggable Loo
The Luggable Loo is a loo that you can lug. This little fella is a great choice for anyone scared of the toilets at festivals, just put it in your tent porch and use in case of emergency. You can even use it to carry your stuff in on the way to the fest, just don’t use it to carry it back again.
“This little luggable loo will transform your camping experience! no more trudging across the campsite at night in yer nightie for a wee! or worse still, doing a jimmy riddle behind your tent!” – Petra
8. Whiz Freedom & Relief Bag Kit
Using the same apparatus idea as the She Wee, and before that the trusty penis, ladies simply cup their groin with the purple bit and allow their wee to flow freely into the bag. The Whiz Freedom Kit bag is made of some magic material that means you don’t have to clean it and it will just dry instantly. Environmentally this is a better choice for female festival goers than the She Wee as your wee is collected rather than polluting the grounds, but I’m not too sure what you’ll do with the bag of wee when you’re done.
“I can pee pretty hard and fast and it makes no difference to the Whizz’s ability to handle it. It simply comes down to positioning.” – Noname
Oo and don’t forget toilet roll, baby wipes and hand sanitiser if you’re going to beat the germs and survive the whole festival toilet experience for another year!