Ibiza is:

a) Full of druggy wreckheads and chav central?
b) A mecca for music lovers?
c) A beautiful, relaxing place?
d) The best party island in the world?
e) All of the above?

I’ve been to Ibiza four times: at 18, 22, 24 and 25. Each time I’ve wanted to cry on the way home, generally from a mixture of exhaustion and confusion, but mostly because I genuinely think Ibiza is one of the best places in the world.

It’s the atmosphere there that does it. Everyone who goes is there for a good time. They love the beaches, the blue waters, the amazing super clubs, the cool hippy markets, the day time beach parties, the boat parties and just the any reason parties. Ibiza attracts the coolest people with the warmest and most caring hedonistic attitudes to each other, but there are always a few people who end up in Ibiza when they should have gone to Kavos or Malia, or Magaluf. These people are known as chavs.

Ibiza is one of the best places in the world

Avoid the West End

These ‘chavs’ have usually watched a few too many episodes of Ibiza Uncovered. They head out to Ibiza looking for cheap booze, girls/boys, and love to flash their bits to anyone who gets a camera out. You can usually find them on a street corner having puked up on themselves from sunstroke at around 2am when you’re heading out. Thankfully, most of them have been herded up  in what’s called ‘the West End’.

As a fresh-faced 18 year old in Ibiza I didn’t know what I was doing and sadly I spent quite a bit of time here that year a bit confused as to what all the fuss about Ibiza was for. It’s where the garage clubs are, the karaoke bars, the pole dancing places and the football fans falling out of the Irish bars – you can normally see a few teenagers suckling on fish bowls out in the sun by day too.

How to Not be a Chav in Ibiza

Get out of San Antonio

I have actually stayed here on three out of my four trips, but when I go again Ibiza Town is the only area for me. San Antonio is where you’ll find the legendary bars – Cafe Del Mar, Cafe Mambo etc – but Ibiza Town has the coolest vibe, more culture and the best super clubs.

San Antonio is also by the beach so of course this is where the beach parties are at and the boat parties go from, but all I’m saying is to make sure you don’t just stay here. There’s a lot more to the island.

Steer clear of Eden, Evissa and Es Paradis

My worst memory of my four holidays to Ibiza is Eden. Please, please don’t go here. People were practically having sex in the foam and there was so much of it that when my friend slipped over she went under it. I had to use all my strength to pull her out coughing and spluttering, just before we left.

These three clubs are all together in the east of San Antonio. There’s no real reason to go there anyway unless you want to be launched into the sky on one of those slingshot things – whyyyy?

Drinking in Ibiza Town

Be nice to people

I know I probably sound like a judgmental b*%&$ in this article, but I’m only trying to help. When the chavs are ready to go home they’ll be starting to fight and shouting out football anthems in the street to play up because they’re tired, you know the sort. When they’re all tucked up in bed it’s time for the true Ibiza spirit to come out and at the beach parties and in the cool clubs like Amnesia and Privilege people are actually really nice to each other so you should be too.

Go to DC10

DC10 is without a doubt the best club in Ibiza. It’s the worker’s club so it’s only the insiders and the real music fans that know about it. It’s smaller than Space, Privilege and Amnesia and has an amazing outdoor space so you can party under the sun. It’s under the airport flight path and so when planes go over everyone goes mental. They have an amazing soundsystem and the inside is air conditioned to the max so you can cool down on the plush sofas. Ticket and drink prices are cheaper than the other clubs too – make sure you go for the Monday day party.

My brother bought me a flight for my 25th birthday and we went for the DC10 closing party in October. It. Was. Incredible.

The coolest club in Ibiza DC10

Top tips for Ibiza

Watch the sun come up outside Café Mambo. Ok, bit of a cliché, but for good reason. When I watched it last they timed it to Requiem for a Dream perfectly. We sat drinking red wine out of a carton and watched the sun go down for over an hour, it was amazing.

Explore the island. As I’ve said don’t just stick to San Antonio, go to Ibiza Town, go to Atlantis and hire a car to explore the rest of the island too. I’d love to make the most of the yoga retreats one day too…

Ibiza is soooo expensive. The clubs need to make their money back on drink because so many people are on drugs. Think, £10 for a bottle of water and £12 for a proper drink. Club prices vary from around £25 and up. If you hire a car and have a Des then there is a big car park culture where everyone drinks at their cars before, during and after, which can save a lot of cash.

Don’t go scuba diving. Bit of a random one, but one year it was a friend’s birthday and we decided to have a few drinks and go for a dive. I’m sure my eyes were bleeding by the end of it. I don’t remember actually seeing a fish: there was so much sun tan lotion pollution in the water nothing could’ve survived in there. Including us. Worst place for scuba diving ever, lots of fun though!

Go with someone who’s been before. If possible. Ibiza is one crazy place and to eat at the best places, go for the best boat parties and know the tricks of the island when it comes to the clubs and parties it helps to have a guide. I’m free this summer: #justsaying.

How to not be a chav in Ibiza

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