I’m yellow, they’re red – for danger. 

I’m not doing too well on the internet dating. Mainly because everyone I meet just seems a bit boring, I’m barely interested enough to meet them for a date, and if I do, a second is usually a definite no. That’s bad isn’t it?

– This post contains naughty words that have never been on my blog before –

worst hellos on internet dating

What hasn’t been boring though is some of the guys’ openers. The past few weeks have definitely brought out the undateables for me in the world of internet dating. I’m amazed they think these hellos will actually work.

Dad, stop reading. Everyone else, let me know what you think of these eligible bachelors. Ooo which one shall I go for?

1. I’ve hit cougar status

Worst hellos on Internet dating

“Some of you love x” – who said romance was dead with openers like that?

He says he’s a ‘Cougar hunter’, he’s 24, swears in his photo – or is he simulating smoking a spliff? – and he lives in Manchester (250 miles away).

Yeah, not for me…

dating app hellos

2. The gentleman

I’ve never spoken to this person before. Ever. In his profile he states he’s ‘just a normal guy looking for a decent woman’. You’d think he might tell you how beautiful your eyes are, or how he’d love to take a walk down the beach breathing in the sea air, or something with an equally romantic sentiment.

Worst hellos on Internet dating

Instead, I get ‘Doggy or pinned down‘. I did know what this meant, just wanted him to explain himself. I honestly don’t understand why people do this. I mean, does that approach actually ever work on anyone?

Instant ‘block’.

The ‘Yolo’ did make me laugh though. 

3. Gets better… or worse

Again, I did enjoy this guy’s final answer too. But seriously, as I said in the previous one – how can this approach work? We’ve never even said as much as ‘hello’ before. Is this guy just going round copying and pasting that message to all the girls he’s interested in or did he specifically pick me out?

Either way I’m most definitely not honoured.

Worst hellos on Internet datingAND BLOCK!

4. Just a casual first date drug sesh

Starts off ok, I guess. Just a lovely night of a few drinks, some good company, and… ‘a line or three’. So he basically wants to meet up and snort coke?

Oh, what girl could resist such an offer?

Online dating

I think the spelling of spontaneous, when all phones have spell checker, pales in comparison.

5. Straight to the point

Really? You really think this is going to work do you Tinder man?

Online dating hello

AND BLOCK!

6. Way, way too much

What the hell?  

Not appropriate. So inappropriate I don’t really know if I should be posting it here, but anyway, it shows what I have to put up with from complete strangers on the dating apps.

I can block people, I can report them and I can just ignore them too. They don’t hurt me or upset me, I’m just bewildered as to why they think messages like the above will work. I’m a big fan of the block functionality on POF.com, and the unmatch on Tinder. Sometimes I find the weirdos funny, sometimes disturbing and other times, pretty sad.

So, you can stop asking me if I’ve ‘met anyone nice’ – this, my dear friends, is what is out there…

Which one shall I go for?

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