Once you add up the ticket, the equipment, the food and the alcohol festivals are expensive. There’s no doubt that they’re worth every penny, but they’re definitely still expensive. Most of the weekend camping festivals let you take your own booze in, Glastonbury and Bestival included. There are always a few that are just out to make as much money as possible though, such as EXIT, Field Day and Eastern Electrics. I understand. If I ran a festival I’m sure the fat cat side of me would see the potential in doing this too, but for us lowly citizens who just want to have a good time without queueing up and paying £4/5 a time for it, we need another way.
Here I’m going to take you through a few ways you can sneak alcohol into festivals to save on money and time so you can spend more on having fun.
1. Sunscreen bottle
Simply empty and refill with booze. Or if you want to be really crafty, and probably safer, put your booze in a food bag and push to the bottom of the bottle. That way if they open it up and sniff it or look at it, there will still be sunscreen on the top to throw them off the scent.
2. In the Pringles tube
Same idea, different smuggling vessel. Just add a food bag of booze in the bottom – weighs less than bottles – and stack a few Pringles on top. Sneaky.
3. Wine bags
Buy the boxed wine – which I like to call ‘cardboardeaux’ – and take the bag out. Then just put it down your trousers as a voluptuous bum, or in your top as a squidgy belly. Dress discreetly and accordingly.
4. Mini bottles in the wellies
Just turn your wellies into a mini bar, watch how you walk and you’ll be the most popular kid in the field. In all my years of festivals I’ve never had my wellies frisked.
5. Cans in the hood
It’s worth a shot. Slip a few cans in your hood and act casual as you walk by – let me know how you get on with this one.
6. Specially adapted bra
Again fill food bags (probably want to double bag them) half way and stuff into your bra like chicken fillets. Bear in mind that the booze will be lovely (bleugh) and warm when you get them out, but at least you’ll have saved money on a drink.
Or, if you can get your hands on one of these ‘Wineracks‘ ($30), you’re laughin’.
7. Crotch bottle
Boys will probably have a few troubles with the above, so why not take the idea and shove it down your crotch instead? Pretty sure if anyone felt a saggy bag in that area they wouldn’t investigate any further.
Something like this Hydrobak 1.5 Litre Camelbak is perfect for smuggling alcohol in under your jumper. Strap it to your back with tape to prevent the security guards from feeling the gap between your back and the bag.
10. Novelty-shaped hip flasks
These Iggi hip flask binoculars are really cool and I want them, and this lipstick-shaped hip flask could come in handy too. Not sure if trying to take a pair of binoculars into a festival is more obvious than a welly mini bar, but it’s another option.
8. Sippin seat
Check this out. I think they must be big in the USA, but I’ve never actually seen them before. It’s a Sippin Seat; a handy soft pillow you can use as a chair and that where can also store 750ml, more commonly known as a bottle of wine, inside. Definitely number one on my 2013 Christmas list…
You’ve got issues…
10. Inject vodka into oranges
Or any fruit. Just get yourself a syringe and you can make the most innocent of foods super alcoholic. If you do resort to this, have a little word with yourself to check everything’s ok and life is heading the way you want it.
11. Double use colostomy bag
If you can get your hands on a colostomy bag and tube you can fill it with whisky and lemonade so it looks like wee on the way in, and then get your doctor mate to fix it up to use it properly when you’re watching the bands and it’ll save you some time there too…
Top tip: Once you’ve passed security don’t whip out your contraband out straight away. Just keep walking and wait until you are in a bit of a crowd.