You can’t hold it in any longer and there’s no way to avoid… the dreaded festival toilets.
That familiar feeling of a swollen bladder after one too many ciders is 100% more unwelcome than usual when you’re at a festival. As soon as the need kicks in the horror stories of festival portaloos all come rushing back into your mind.
After admitting defeat to your renal system you approach those banging portaloo doors with much trepidation, fearful of what may lay behind.
Nervously you select one and pull on the repugnant handle, bracing yourself for the stench to fill your nostrils.
If you manage to pull the door ajar without the fumes spinning your mind, you commit to opening it fully.
If the gagging reflex doesn’t kick in, this is the festival toilet for you.
You take a deep breath and step up.
A quick inspection of any danger areas that may pose a threat, a quick shuffle and you’re perched and ready – the strongest among us hover, the weak give in and enjoy the rest – either way the aim is to get in and out of there as quickly as possible.
You fumble in your bag for toilet roll, still trying not to breathe for fear of a lungful of a few thousand festival goers’ finest gases.
lf you’re lucky you’ll get a squirt of sanitiser at the end.
Phew, you’re in the clear for another few hours.
What if I told you there was a way to avoid all this festival toilet rigmarole?
In preparation for the Glastonbury toilets, and with the help of Amazon reviewers, I’ve put together this little guide to show you how you can avoid the toilets at festivals all together…
How to Avoid Festival Toilets
Here are some great camping toilet ideas to help you avoid festival toilets at field festivals. If you really hate the idea of a shared toilet, then I’d definitely recommend taking at least one of these camping toilet solutions with you.
1. The She Wee
Girls, you simply cup the She Wee on your foof… and release.
I tried this when I went to Glastonbury Festival and made a right mess. If you’re going to try it I’d recommend not drinking five ciders, waiting until the last minute and then becoming uncontrollable with laughter as your mate tries to help.
“A life saver. Easy to use and convenient. The wide funnel covers the area well without you having to worry there is going to be a spill. There is no need to assemble anything and it is easy to wash and reuse.”– Conneal Beswick on Amazon
Fancy doing a festival quiz?
50 questions, 50 answers – do it with friends, or by yourself!
2. Bog in a Bag
When two stools collide hey?
This Bog In A Bag camping stool enables the owner to literally use anywhere they damn well please as a dumping ground. The description says the ‘stool’ is ‘supportive’ and ‘comfortable’.
A great camping toilet for all ages.
Simply push a bag through the middle to catch the deposit, sit down, let it all out, tie up your bag, put both stools away and you’re ready to carry on with your festival shenanigans.
Apparently Dawn’s crack loves it on Amazon…
“It is light, it packs away very small, it is sturdy in use and it is a usable loo. We use it for middle of the night/crack of dawn loo visits and it certainly beats a trip across the campsite in the dark.”– McGoogly on Amazon
Best festival toilets I’ve ever been to
You might not expect it, but the toilets at Lake of Stars Festival in Malawi were definitely some of the best festival toilets I’ve been to. The festival changes location every year, but when I went, in 2018, it was in a hotel that was being built.
All the toilets had been plumbed in and there was a toilet attendant there keeping them clean. Electricity for the ladies to straighten their hair and everything.
Anyway, back to the festival toilet avoidance tactics…
3. Unisex Portable Urinal
Feel free to let it all out in this festival toilet alternative and you can simply put the lid back on and store that meaty piss for later disposal at a more convenient time.
If you’re looking for a camping toilet solution that’ll stop you needing to leave your cosy warm tent at night, then this is a great idea. I’d definitely recommend getting one for each member of the family though…
“I took this to reading festival and it was great. Saved me going to the long drop all weekend !!…big enough to hold a big wee. Easy to use. I didn’t have any trouble with lid leaking. Would recommend.”– Jeanie, on Amazon
Top festival toilet tip for you
If you’re caught out, and just can’t avoid festival toilets… then put some string through your toilet roll so you can hang it round your neck when you go to the toilet. This means you won’t need to put it down anywhere and you’ll have your hands free.
Et Voila, you are now a toilet roll dispenser!
4. Kampa Khazi Portable Toilet
The Kampa Khazi Portable Toilet has a 5-litre capacity – more than enough for one person, surely.
Purchase this little beaut as your camping toilet and you can laugh away at the minions queuing for the festival toilets while you enjoy your leisurely wee.
You might want to get a toilet tent around it for even more privacy though, or you may not…
“This is the best portable loo I have ever used, we are a family of 6 and only have 1 toilet in the house so this has become very useful!!!”– Kerry Harper, on Amazon
6. TravelJohn Urinal Bags
TravelJohns are my favourite festival toilet / camping toilet option out there.
These little beauts contain Liqsorb, ‘a biodegradable polymer substance that immobilises bacterial growth quickly’. So you just wee into the biodegradable fabric pouch and your urine crystalises as it touches the substance. The TravelJohn urinal bags are reusable. No, I don’t understand either.
I think Mo was expecting a little too much from them…
“I had a trial run in my bedroom. My poo just sat on top of the ‘crystals’.”– Mo, on Amazon
7. Travel Janes.
And now, with the Janes, they’ve changed the fitting so it suits our foofs a little more snuggly. Top tip for you, you can fit more than one wee in a bag once it dries in.
8. Luggable Loo
The Luggable Loo is a loo that you can lug. This little fella is a great choice for anyone scared of the toilets at festivals, just put it in your tent porch and use in case of emergency.
You can even use it to carry your stuff in on the way to the fest, just don’t use it to carry it back again.
If you’re looking for a camping toilet for kids and people with mobility problems, then this is a great sturdy option to have around your campsite.
“This little luggable loo will transform your camping experience! no more trudging across the campsite at night in yer nightie for a wee! or worse still, doing a jimmy riddle behind your tent!”– Petra, on Amazon
9. Whiz Freedom & Relief Bag Kit
Using the same apparatus idea as the She Wee, and before that, the trusty penis, ladies simply cup their groin with the purple bit and allow their wee to flow freely into the bag.
The Whiz Freedom Kit bag is made of some magic material that means you don’t have to clean it and it will just dry instantly.
Environmentally this is a better choice for female festival goers than the She Wee as your wee is collected rather than polluting the grounds, but I’m not too sure what you’ll do with the bag of wee when you’re done.
“I can pee pretty hard and fast and it makes no difference to the Whizz’s ability to handle it. It simply comes down to positioning.”– Noname, on Amazon
Festival toilet packing list
Use them wisely!
FAQ about camping toilets
If you have any questions about which camping toilet to use, or have any other ideas on how to avoid festival toilets, then let me know and I’ll answer it here.
How to pee at a festival?
In 2019 I went to a few festivals where they’d set up a urinal for women, and given out disposable she wees. Good idea for some, including me, but I know some female friends I was with had trouble with stage fright, and not making a mess.
No one wants to be covered in pee at a festival, even if it’s their own.
If you really can’t stand the thought of weeing in festival toilets then try one of the pee bags for festivals I recommend above.
In recent years though, festival toilets really aren’t as bad as you might think.
The biggest problem are the queues, and then needing a wee in the night – which I’d totally recommend buying one of the camping toilets above for.
Please, tell me more festival toilet tips?
- Watch for who comes out of the toilet. If it’s a guy, they’ve probably just done a poo. Don’t go in. If they come out with a grim look on their face, don’t go in.
- Buy a festival portable toilet like a shewee for when you’re out and about.
- Buy a portable camping toilet for when you’re back at the tent.
- Be careful not to lose your friends in the toilet queues, especially at night. This has happened to me WAY too many times.
How bad are the Glastonbury toilets, really?
Ah the Glastonbury toilets really aren’t that bad. Obviously you’re going to get the odd rotter, especially towards the end, but in general, it’s not the worst festival toilet experience ever.
That would be at Reading Festival.
What is a long drop toilet?
A long drop toilet is one that doesn’t flush. It will generally be perched higher than normal, and all the waste piles on top of the previous waste. Basically, a cess pit.
At some point some sort of machine will come and get rid of it all.
They’re the most eco friendly festival toilet of all.
What’s this about Leeds Festival poo girl?
Bet Leeds Festival poo girl wishes she got a portable toilets for festivals. You can find out more about her grim story here.
Just don’t drop your phone in a long drop – first rule of going to a festival.
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