If you’re on the London Underground with loads of luggage, you are in the wrong. Never forget that.
Not the selfish people who won’t move out the way for your bags so you can stand near them, or the people who look at you in total disgust for trying to travel with a suitcase at peak time. You.
According to the unofficial rules of the London tube no matter what your reason may be – whether you’re protecting the holy grail or your grandmothers urn – come on the tube with luggage and you’ve committed the ultimate commuting crime.
Don’t let your fellow passengers get to you though, stay strong.
Dream case scenario: you get an end of the row flip seat and can put your luggage underneath and hold it next to you.
Worst case scenario: every other scenario.
6 tips for managing your luggage on the tube
1. Do not put your luggage on a seat or in the aisle
Oh my Buddha do NOT put your excess luggage on a seat on the London Underground. Or in the middle blocking the aisle. The looks will kill you in mere seconds.
2. Pile your stuff up on your lap rather than the floor
No matter how high to the ceiling it reaches, never take up more floor space than you need.
3. Do not attempt to get on the tube as the doors are closing
It’s bad enough when people do it when they’re carefree with a simple handbag, but backpack and suitcase owners are a clear mistake. I’ve seen people get caught, deserving no pity but disgust. Us tubers, we’re not mad, we’re just disappointed.
4. Be ready for your stop
If you wait till the last minute and then panic grab your bags accidentally, pulling the lead on someone’s headphones and knocking that lady’s acceptably sized bag, you will not be invited back to our fair city my friend. Pay attention, know your nearest exits and how to get there when the time comes.
5. If anyone is mean to you on the tube, ignore
Hear me? Ignore. Do not engage. The London Underground is fine as long as we all avoid eye contact pre 11pm. Post that and it’s a different ball game, but for now, not a friend will be made.
6. Stay on the right of the escalators
Veer to the left, you’re in BIG trouble.
Beware: the force
Keep in mind that when an Underground train takes off, the force will knock you forward, and more importantly your stuff. Luggage falls over, bags slide down the carriage, and your fellow tube travellers hate you even more. Be ready. Keep your feet firmly on the ground and hold a pole if you need the extra security.
If you or your luggage does fall over on the Tube, apologise as profusely as possible, even if it didn’t touch anyone. The people around you will still hate you though. Remember that.
Massive Tube travellers generalisation
London Underground travellers are dram-atic.
“Oh my god, I have to wait three minutes for the next train – why do I even pay for my Oyster?!”
They’ve never had to stand waiting for the hourly bus in a Midlands village for it to never turn up. Yes, voice of experience.
If you knock someone on the tube a normal reaction is for them to look like you’ve broken into their house on Christmas Eve and tinkled on the tree, and the Disney princess presents under there. Do not be alarmed.
Just apologise to everyone, it’s easier.
“Sorry you bashed into my bag, sorry you knocked it over, sorry you decided to stand in that clearly awkward space between my bag and the door causing it to topple.”
Remember, you had the audacity to need to bring the bags on the tube, you deal with the consequences.
Brace yourself for hatred if you need to travel the London Underground with luggage. Children, kind grannies, English gent types – you’re not safe from any of their death stares when you take up more space than your allocated feet allow.
Just look down at your phone, maybe write an article about how everyone hates you, or play Bejewelled, Angry Birds, or Pokemon Go, just don’t make eye contact. They’ll just make you feel bad.
And enjoy your trip when you get there, and the money you saved for your endurance!