6 Most Disturbing ‘Hellos’ I’ve Had on Internet Dating (This Month)

I’m yellow, they’re red – for danger. 

I’m not doing too well on the internet dating. Mainly because everyone I meet just seems a bit boring, I’m barely interested enough to meet them for a date, and if I do, a second is usually a definite no. That’s bad isn’t it?

– This post contains naughty words that have never been on my blog before –

worst hellos on internet dating

What hasn’t been boring though is some of the guys’ openers. The past few weeks have definitely brought out the undateables for me in the world of internet dating. I’m amazed they think these hellos will actually work.

Dad, stop reading. Everyone else, let me know what you think of these eligible bachelors. Ooo which one shall I go for?

1. I’ve hit cougar status

Worst hellos on Internet dating

“Some of you love x” – who said romance was dead with openers like that?

He says he’s a ‘Cougar hunter’, he’s 24, swears in his photo – or is he simulating smoking a spliff? – and he lives in Manchester (250 miles away).

Yeah, not for me…

dating app hellos

2. The gentleman

I’ve never spoken to this person before. Ever. In his profile he states he’s ‘just a normal guy looking for a decent woman’. You’d think he might tell you how beautiful your eyes are, or how he’d love to take a walk down the beach breathing in the sea air, or something with an equally romantic sentiment.

Worst hellos on Internet dating

Instead, I get ‘Doggy or pinned down‘. I did know what this meant, just wanted him to explain himself. I honestly don’t understand why people do this. I mean, does that approach actually ever work on anyone?

Instant ‘block’.

The ‘Yolo’ did make me laugh though. 

3. Gets better… or worse

Again, I did enjoy this guy’s final answer too. But seriously, as I said in the previous one – how can this approach work? We’ve never even said as much as ‘hello’ before. Is this guy just going round copying and pasting that message to all the girls he’s interested in or did he specifically pick me out?

Either way I’m most definitely not honoured.

Worst hellos on Internet datingAND BLOCK!

4. Just a casual first date drug sesh

Starts off ok, I guess. Just a lovely night of a few drinks, some good company, and… ‘a line or three’. So he basically wants to meet up and snort coke?

Oh, what girl could resist such an offer?

Online dating

I think the spelling of spontaneous, when all phones have spell checker, pales in comparison.

5. Straight to the point

Really? You really think this is going to work do you Tinder man?

Online dating hello


6. Way, way too much

What the hell?  

Not appropriate. So inappropriate I don’t really know if I should be posting it here, but anyway, it shows what I have to put up with from complete strangers on the dating apps.

I can block people, I can report them and I can just ignore them too. They don’t hurt me or upset me, I’m just bewildered as to why they think messages like the above will work. I’m a big fan of the block functionality on POF.com, and the unmatch on Tinder. Sometimes I find the weirdos funny, sometimes disturbing and other times, pretty sad.

So, you can stop asking me if I’ve ‘met anyone nice’ – this, my dear friends, is what is out there…

Which one shall I go for?

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  1. by Jen on August 9, 2017  3:22 pm Reply

    Oh lordy! These are 'classics' if you can call them that?! Certainly not classic men! Though sometimes better than a 'hi, how are you?' just for the entertainment value!

    Keep on searching lovey xx

    • by Vicky on August 10, 2017  8:11 am Reply

      Yeah, I guess at least they're entertaining – just feel like I've had quite a few of these dirtbags this month. I know loads of amazing single females – where are all the decent guys?!

      Got to be one out there somewhere :)

  2. by Francesca on August 9, 2017  7:04 pm Reply

    I'm speechless. Just... what?! How can anyone expect to find someone with lines like that?

    Francesca Andrews

    • by Vicky on August 10, 2017  8:10 am Reply

      I know! I can only think that the one girl who does reply to those kind of messages will be the perfect one for them. Not me!

  3. by Candice Walsh on August 9, 2017  7:12 pm Reply

    God. Ugh. I. Can't. Even.

    • by Vicky on August 10, 2017  8:08 am Reply

      Gross innit? Don't know why they spend their time sending such grim messages – can't imagine they get them anywhere! Must be a normal person out there somewhere...

  4. by Jayne on August 10, 2017  6:29 am Reply

    Oh dear god, it's enough to turn you celibate. Do these lines of communications work with some women?! You'd think that after (what you would hope are) several hard no's they'd evolve/learn some acceptable line of chat. Jog on losers, I say.

    • by Vicky on August 10, 2017  8:06 am Reply

      Yep, that's the new plan! I think they must work with someone, or they'd give up? I agree. Jog on. Nexxxxt!

  5. by Steve Biggs on August 10, 2017  7:43 am Reply

    Well it's nice to be offered I guess?! ? I imagine women get far more matches/messages than men? When I was on Tinder for every 10 messages I sent out I'd only get 1-2 replies so that's why many men feel they have to go random and spray out as many messages as possible as it can be a bit disheartening otherwise

    • by Vicky on August 10, 2017  8:06 am Reply

      Ha, usually I would say it's always nice to be invited – but I'm not so sure about some of these guys. I know it's hard. I know it's tough. I'm living it. And I'm not one of those people that's totally against the 'hey's. But, I just don't know why they send stuff like this, I guess it must work somehow and somewhere, and I guess when it does, then they've found their dream girl. Not for me though.

      • by Steve Biggs on August 10, 2017  8:42 am Reply

        Haha :) And I wasn't condoning the smutty ones. Just that you can send out 10 nice, considered ones and get none back. Is that ratio the same for women too?

        • by Vicky on August 10, 2017  9:06 am Reply

          Hmmm, I think I get replies to one in 3ish maybe? Ok, yeah, that sucks. I wonder what these guys' ratio is... :)

  6. by Emily Luxton on August 10, 2017  8:23 am Reply

    Ahahahahaha please can you post a round up like this every month? You've made my morning!

    • by Vicky on August 10, 2017  9:08 am Reply

      Haha, you want this to be the VickyFlipFlop monthly round up? Instead of those income reports and holiday reviews? I would, but I feel it would be pretty similar every month. If I get any more good ones I'll Tweet them to you. Glad you enjoyed it :) Dirty boyz.

  7. by Hayley on August 10, 2017  9:09 am Reply

    Hmmmm, best of a bad bunch - number 6 looks like at least he'd be putting you first ?

    • by Vicky on August 10, 2017  9:21 am Reply

      Haha, that made me snort laugh. That's true. Definitely The One!

  8. by Sarah on August 10, 2017  9:10 am Reply

    Next time my friends ask me why I refuse to do internet dating I'm going to send them a link to this article!

    • by Vicky on August 10, 2017  9:22 am Reply

      Do! It's a murky, murky world. I feel like there's no other way to meet people though, especially when you don't work in an office or really meet people through work...

  9. by Kayte on August 10, 2017  9:27 am Reply

    Not appropriate. ? Vic you make me larf so much.

    Tim informed me recently that a study has shown that intellegent women are out-populating the intellegent men out there, resulting in women like yourself sifting through many a moron looking for a decent chap to settle down with. Perhaps it was a study on POF or Tinder...

    • by Vicky on August 13, 2017  8:40 am Reply

      I'd definitely agree with that study. Guys I've dated just seem dumb and boring, even when I justify that it's the first date so could be nervous. Nothing seems to change on the second one. Maybe my standards are too high but definitely not ready to just 'settle' for someone. Might give up for a bit soon. Trouble is, it is all kind of entertaining. Maybe some of them will make good characters in a book one day :). xx

  10. by Kiara Gallop on August 10, 2017  3:24 pm Reply

    Haha, you're privileged you got greetings (if they can even be called that), I just used to get photos of a certain male body part :-D ? instant block!!!! The dating game is hard... (excuse the pun!)

    • by Vicky on August 13, 2017  8:48 am Reply

      Oh gawd that was why I gave up on Snapchat. First one was kinda fascinating, ten dick pics later that week and I was over it! Felt like I got put on some sort of harassment list and they wouldn't leave me alone. I haven't actually had that yet on internet dating... I guess there's still time. And yes, it is!

  11. by Jenny on August 11, 2017  11:51 am Reply

    Number 3: I love the way he emphatically said he'd "literally let you" in case you thought he wasn't being serious! But, a month?! Guy's got staying power at least!
    Good luck lovely x

    • by Vicky on August 13, 2017  8:50 am Reply

      Haha, is that your favourite one then? I mean 24 hours would've been long enough – a month? Ain't nobody got time for that!

  12. by Rachel on August 14, 2017  1:04 pm Reply

    Yuk! No wonder these guys are single. Absolutely fecking clueless.

  13. by Rachel on October 20, 2017  9:34 pm Reply

    Gosh these are horrendous but made me laugh and think back to when I was online dating for a bit last year. Some people are just so gross and blunt you have to wondered what they are thinking but then again so many people start messages like this who have to wonder if every so often it works for them?! Keep searching, hoping they aren’t all like that :)

    • by VickyFlipFlop on November 1, 2017  8:42 am Reply

      Eugh, gawd, this was a particularly bad month for online dating. Don’t worry – things started to look up after this ☺. Online dating is a weird and traumatic experience I think, but in among all the weirdos there are always a few gems. This post can act as a reminder of worser times!

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